Today is Saturday April 7, 2012.

We are moving towards a holding pattern. This pre-trip precaution is for our own good. Before this regulation went into effect, people had no way of telling just exactly when their voyage would begin. This was causing all kinds of problems. People going to the airport on the wrong days and time. Others were seen wandering around outside, with their luggage, hoping to figure out when and where they are supposed to go. A horde of frozen faced, open mouthed, babbling confused vacation minded humans.
One moment they were starry eyed and full of anticipation as the happy couple had images of sandy beaches, crystal clear waters and, and then, the next moment would strike fear into the pancreas. Because they did not pace themselves prior to beginning their trip, they were suddenly caught up in every traveler’s nightmare. “Notimeus lefttous”
You had fallen far behind because of all your reveling and unfortunately did not pay attention to the day and time. Both have tragically disappeared and you must be at the airport tomorrow morning at 3:30 a.m. “Notimeus lefttous” The time now is 3:00 p.m.. You have a little more than twelve hours to perform some miracles.
Finnish packing. Finalize details on about 41 different loose ends. “Did we stop the mail? Did we??”, your brain is just about frazzled. “Wait. I remember, I did. I remember going over to the P.O. Whew That was close.”

Absolute panic sets in. You look around the rooms all over the house. STUFF is everywhere. Some going, some staying, some you still haven’t made up your mind about yet.

Over the next scant twelve hours, you better call out all the elves you know to help out with this one. Free refreshments of course. They like that.

That was then, this is now.

Well, I for one, am glad we now have new information and regulations to help every vacation goer take the worry out of any travel destination. These new statues now mandate pre-trip warning systems to be put into place. These new interventions will always keep the harried traveler on tract, on time and on target.

Here is just a brief explanation of the 10,749 page government document concerning “Traveling on time with less stress, aggravation, upset stomach, nausea, diarrhea or sweaty palms”. The book covers everything.

But here is the best part of the new attempt to make sure people who are about to travel, can do so with dignity, self respect, pride and they can be on time for all phases of “Operation Climax”. I just love that name. Climax. Definitive isn’t it? What’s not to understand. It’s an operation and you’re going to climax.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. Probably most of you are thinking, but I’m sorry. We will have to hold off on any celebrating for the moment. So all that good stuff comes later.

No, this climax will be the culmination of days and weeks and months of planning and preparing and problem solving and making sure. This orgasm will get both of you off. Off on your Caribbean Caper.

Soon, we will be directed to gather our belongings, making sure we leave nothing here. When the signal is given, we will shut off all lights, and leave this location for ever. No,no. That part was just wishful thinking. We will be gone about two weeks.

A few days prior to the actual day of departure, we will receive a number of e-mails notifying us that the fun stuff will be getting underway in a matter of hours. Actually, it’s three days, but a matter of hours sounds more intriguing.

These electronic marvels at communication will specify in easy to understand, simple language, no big words. What to do and when to do it. You will know when the time is right to check and re-check all bags, paperwork, phone list, friends instructions, and other interesting and little known steps you should take for a successful and fun filled time away.

In addition to daily and then hourly e-mail instructions, you will also receive, at no additional cost, two live person phone calls. These two great extras will really put to rest your fears of not being on time ever again, for anything. Ever.

These calls can be made for anytime of the day or night. What ever you feel will give you the best chance of not having to deal with “Notimeus Lefttous”. ever again.

This new two fold process is fool proof. We guarantee it. Please see enclosed insert for guarantee promise.

E-mails will have you sitting on the edge of your seat. Ready to move with a moments notice. You will never have to worry again, whether or not you took out the batteries. We’ll remind you. Never again spending hours trying to remember if you spoke with the baby sitter. Just read the e-mail. Did you remember to pack your medicaton? You will if you read the e-mails.

Yes, life has been made a whole lot easier and stress free when it comes to taking a trip. Across town or across the sea, we have you covered and can even tell you where you can pee.

Technology. You just have to love it.

I hope everyone's trip is terrific.